Friday, May 26, 2017

Just Breathe

I feel like I'm going to pass out. Like, need to put my head between my legs and breathe for a minute. Not because of anything bad, well, it does accentuate poor decisions currently being made by other people, but the news is good. The news is overwhelming. I think I'm in shock.

Suddenly, suddenly, my already positive progression towards a more stable financial future has been sped up by light years. (I know that's not a scientifically sound analogy, but it's what it feels like.)

For some background, my father had co-signed on a personal loan for me so that I could consolidate credit card debts, back taxes from self-employment overdue, and my car payment, so that I could have one payment per month. It was a grand total of $30,000. I have been paying steadily for the past 4 years, and figured I had about 4 more years until it was done. Or, sooner, if I could turn my degree that I am obtaining in 2019, into a job advancement with a pay raise.

Today's paycheck is the one that made this month's loan payment, and I was informed that it was the last one I had to make. Because, my parent's said, my brother had gotten married this year, and they had helped fund his dream wedding. When I got married, the hubs and I went down to the courthouse the afternoon before I was scheduled to give birth to our second daughter and, without telling anyone, we got married by the judge in the tiny gazebo next to the pond, with our oldest daughter as our best of everything. It's one of the weird things no one else can understand but that my hubs and I thought was highly entertaining; my brother in law didn't even know we'd gotten married until a year later. We just kind of let the news trickle out as it did. Like I said, it was amusing to us and the marriage was really only about and between us anyway. We had talked about maybe, in the future sometime, having a "wedding" that would be more like a big anniversary party. (I never wanted a white wedding, anyway, I've always wanted a red wedding dress.) I never asked or expected my parents to fund a wedding of mine. Apparently, my parents have been plotting for years to give me my "wedding fund", by paying my personal loan in full once I reached the amount they had set aside as fair for my wedding, in regards to what they helped fund for my brother's wedding.

I reached that amount today, and now my biggest debt (outside of school loans) is paid. It's paid. It's paid. I cried. I'm still in shock. I'm so awed and grateful.

I'm also just heartbroken that today put an impediment in the way of my family's future happiness, and until I can get someone to talk to me, and really hear me, and really listen to me, and really believe in me.....there's no guarantee that impediment won't become a wall, which will then become a gulf, which will then become the ocean between continents.

I will never understand choosing anger over love, darkness over light, or hope over despair. Especially when the hardest part of the turning had already occurred, and we were already in the home stretch.

What have you done?

Now, I can increase my endeavors towards accelerating my schooling and my life coach certification and establishing myself outside of my "day job".

'Tis the song, the sigh of the weary
Hard times, hard times come again no more
Many days you have lingered
Around my cabin door
Oh hard times come again no more

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