Something new, every day

There are some new things I have learned with this second pregnancy:
1. random nosebleeds in one nostril are SO MUCH FUN......not.
2. I never realized how hard it was to stay in a good mood when you can't poo regularly.
3. just because this is my 2nd rodeo does not ease my anxiety that every time I turn around I'm probably harming my baby by drinking coffee or exercising or taking a Tums or, I don't know, breathing. I need a window into my uterus so I can do spot checks on my little tumble bunny.
4. I've just entered my 3rd trimester and it is becoming increasingly frustrating for my Matchgirl and I, that I cannot play with her "like Daddy does", i.e. catch her when she's jumping or ride her around on my back and shoulders, anymore, and that now, my ability to safely pick her up and carry her around is now about to end, as I've started getting Braxton-Hicks contractions afterward every time I pick her up and carry her. It doesn't feel like a strain while I'm doing it, but obviously my body is calling it quits, for the moment. This causes a whole lot of sad between the two of us.

So, now we're working on new ways to hang out that are more snuggle than carry, since I'm going to have recover time after the c-section to contend with, as well. I signed her up for the 1,000 books before kindergarten challenge. So we're trying to read 2 books a day together, at least. Also, I've been finding free printouts for toddler learning activities online and we're going to start doing those together in the evenings, after I get home from work. She'll be starting pre-school this year, and she loves to learn new things, so I thought this would be a productive way for us to hang out. No pressure, of course, she'll only be 3 in two days and I'm not one of those parents who feels the need to push my child to be a kindergarten genius. She's very clever and quick, already, so I am fully comfortable (and often times blown away) by her natural learning progress.

As an end note, if the people you love, love office supplies, and put them on their gift lists, it's not a joke. They really want them. I always put sticky notes and highlighters and sharpies and pens and notebooks and pencil cases on my gift lists and I never get any. :( It's like people gloss right over them, like, suuuuuuuuuure she wants a 12-pack of liquid highlighters....I bet she'd much rather have these cookie sheets! Which, I do want those cookie sheets, and thank you for getting them for me, but couldn't I get just one office supply? It would make me very, very happy. Especially if it was this Totoro pencil case....

Stop, in the name of....

Let's ruminate for a moment on boundaries. There are so many ways boundaries can be set: personally, mentally, physically, geographically, spiritually, emotionally, etc. and so forth. Some boundaries are marked, others are insinuated; some boundaries come with doors and windows, entrances and exits, while others are complete enclosures, built from the inside out.

Boundaries are also, at least for me, very malleable things. The older I get, the more my boundaries subtly change their shape and structure. Sometimes I wonder if it will be a lifetime project for me, getting my boundary lines in the exact place and exact style that I want them to be in. One minute I want a structure of stone, but then later it becomes wood, and then later it becomes flowers. Sometimes I tear my boundaries down, then hastily rebuild them. Sometime I just knock a portion of the boundary out and peek around for a while until I figure out what the next step is. Some boundaries are still just fences I sit on, not yet ready to commit to one side or the other.

..and then, of course, you have to deal with all of the other boundaries, or lack thereof, when it comes to the people who inhabit the world around you.

Expecting my second child, or as it enters my mind, becoming a mom for the second time, is causing all of my boundaries to shift and change again. Some of them are reverting back to former positions they've been out of for almost 3 years now, realizing strengths once held. Others are falling down as old fears are faced and enemies are found to be less in presence than once expected.

Part of my problem with writing, I now see, stems from the fact that when my boundaries started to shift, it left me feeling unsure of where to put my verbal feet. I feel like I'm heading back onto the edges of some sort of pathway, now, and hopefully this alphabetic drought will end soon and everything will be less awkward.



Oh, and lest I forget to mention it, the second Maiden has a due date of Easter Sunday, so she shall probably be here Good Friday. What an apt time for new beginnings.