Not quite bad bad Leroy Brown

Holy crap, did I wake up angry this morning. "Meaner than a junkyard dog", indeed. Crazy dreams and interrupted sleep do not good bedfellows make. I'm finally feeling a little bit more human, thank you coffee. This condition seems to set my imagination during REM times into high gear.

We're going to look at a house today. Trying not to get my hopes up, because the odds that you find "the one" your first appointment you make are not high....but it is a really nice house, in a really nice location, and unbelievably inexpensive for the neighborhood it is in. Wish us luck!

Let's Make Every Title a Song

Well, I believe that no news is no news, at this point. I went for an interview at the Tax Assessor's Office last week (Tuesday) and they said they'd make their decision in a few days. As I haven't heard anything back from them, I sent an email to my interviewer this morning, asking her to confirm that I wasn't their decision, so I could pursue other avenues. Especially, since time is of the essence, at this point, for reasons we will discuss later. I haven't heard back from her, however, so the wait lingers.

I envy people who trust easily, and at the same time find them to be hopelessly naive. My closest friends are few and far between because of my deep distrust of people. I need to see them more often, though. Damn introvertedness.

I see your lips moving but all I hear is blahblahblah

Every time you open your mouth in ignorance, you cause further damage.

Go get your learn on.

How you know someone

I haven't spoken to my brother, the middle one, for about 2 years now, except to congratulate him on his engagement. This is due to an embarrassing law-suit between us, due to past invoice payments he owes me but refuses to pay. This refusal arises out of an urgent sense of defensive pride on his part, partially because of an argument he and my boyfriend got into about the situation, completely outside of the realm of my influence. Every step of the way, I have attempted to settle things in a civil manner, and every step of the way he and his attorney have responded with what I consider to be unethical and dishonest methods in order to stall progression and further exacerbate the matter at hand. It is completely confusing to my mother and I, as to why this is still ongoing, and moving into its third year of being. It is dreadfully sad that this is happening, as our family is never whole in a gathering again. I vacillate between forgiveness and anger, since I both understand why my brother is acting the way he is, as I have always seen him for who he is and have loved him regardless of the worse parts of his behavior, and extreme anger that he has turned a simple accounting situation into a legal battle that has hurt the entire family and spread out to affect our common circle of friends. I feel like we are too old for him to be behaving in such an irrational manner. I just want this over, the family just wants this over, and there is no give on his end. I am angry that I have had to now add attorney fees onto the monies already due me, simply because he refuses to sit down with some check copies and my invoices and compare the balances. An issue that could have been resolved in, at most, a matter of hours, has now become an uncertain number of years to come.

Mostly, I try not to dwell on the situation as often as possible, because it causes me great anxiety. Mainly, because I can not comprehend how my brother could know me so little, that he would accuse me of trying to fleece him in some manner, that he would believe I would ever be dishonest with him or try to cheat him of something. I believe that it quite honestly angers me, that he has such a skewed perspective of who I am. Friends see me more clearly than he does.

I can only hope, that once this ordeal is over with, and I have won the case, because I will, that he will somehow find a way to sit down with himself and perhaps question his perception of things. Perhaps, question why he believed his attorney over his sister. Perhaps, question why he believes someone who has never hurt him, who has always defended and tried to uplift him, would ever try to maliciously harm him, the way he is painting the picture now. I do not have great faith in this regard, but I do have hope. In the end, sometimes hope holds the door open enough for healing.

Hugs

There's nothing that makes the sun come out like your 2.5 year old daughter getting one step down the porch, pausing as if she's forgotten something, then turning around to run back to you, wrapping her little arms around both of your legs and shoving her face in, right above the knees, for those full-body hugs she gets when you bend over to wrap your arms around her in return. The little upturned-face goodbye kiss is wonderful, as well.

I think this happens to parents/people a lot, and we always think the physical aspect of it is the most important part, right? The hugs, the kisses.

After this morning, I think it's the moment of remembering, that matters, the pause when they realize they must not leave without giving you a hug goodbye. That is just awesome, that moment.

Floor post

I really should be getting more of these files done. Instead I'm looking around the internet to find the best Allie Brosh comic I could possibly put up to express how I feel right now without freaking everyone out. Because it's not that serious. It's just the weather.

I'd also really appreciate it if someone could find a way to permanently fix brain maladies of the psychological ilk. The only problem with that is, is that it's probably one of us who could find that way, if we could just focus and not get knocked off balance everytime we're deprived of sunshine for a few days.

I feel like the sky is just sticking its tongue out at me.

I do not entirely trust the judgment of people who read book series out of order.

Funny conversation:
Daddy: "I'm the boss."
2yrold: "No, you're not the boss. You're a kitty-kat."


My little family is hilarious, especially when no one is looking. :)

I had something to say....and then I chickened out.

The censor is strong with this one.

In my shadow.

It's lot a harder writing in an almost-daily fashion nowadays, when I belong to people. It's a lot easier to admit to failings or struggles when you're an individual, and not a mom or a girlfriend. Or, at least it is for me.

I have the hardest time writing about being a "recovered" eating-disordered person. (In quotes, because it's still running in place to stay recovered, sometimes.) It's not even about shame, or anything like that, but more about the fact that there still remains in my mind the fear of scrutiny, the fear of failure of an idea of me, someone else's idea of me.

I look forward to a future when I have slain that shadow.

A word is a weapon if you use it right.

I'm writing again. Thank god. I might need it to save me.

My Mammaw has passed away. I now have no grandparents left.

Everytime we came to visit we would walk through the door, and she would turn around from whatever she was doing in the kitchen and smile this huge, brilliant smile and exclaim "Hey, Darling!".

I don't feel like writing. I just thought I should document this. Goodnight.

Here we are now, entertain us.

My friends and acquaintances and I are a strange crew, in most people's eyes. We were almost all metal/goth/punk/hippie kids and we almost all still have piercings, colored hair, tattoos, creative hairstyles, and wear a lot of the same clothes we did as teens. Yet here we are, bringing our children into the library storytimes, doing mommy-and-gymnastics or yoga classes, taking our children to girl and boy scout meetings, watching daughters practice their cheerleading routines or parade around in their princess dresses, encouraging them at sports events, etc.
My point is, not everyone raises their child to be who or what they are. A lot of us raise our children to be the people they choose to be. No matter what the surface looks like. It's very liberating and honestly...quite humorous. The parent/child couplings produce some very striking counterpoints, in the best way.
Happy Sunday.

I have come to realize that when my client tells me they're going to be on a boat in the middle of the ocean deep sea fishing until around 1pm....I tend to play around on the computer instead of doing my files. Maybe I just love the thrill of a deadline?

On the road again...but not literally. Literaturely.

I am trying to be more dedicated in my writing. Daily discipline along with moments of inspiration. I do have interruptions to contend with. I just have to learn to work between the pauses.

On a side note: my 2 year old daughter has begun referring to us as mommio and daddio. It's pretty hilarious.

We sure do get het up about a whole lot of nothing, don't we?

I don't have a follow-up to that remark, I just had a need to use "het up", in a sentence.

I'm trying to get back into writing mode. With all of this extra time to houseclean, etc., with work being so slow, I figure let's turn lemons into lemonade and channel some of this angst and anxiety into some art. It's always worked well for it anyway.

I feel very awkward typing where family can see me. This is another thing I have to work on; writing under the eye of discovery.

It's so much easier to write when you're in a place where nobody knows your name. (You see what I did there?)

Tenacity and commitment - we're ending the month with those two words being our key-phrases for personal un-lockings.

“Since we must and do write each our own way, we may during actual writing get more lasting instruction not from another's work, whatever its blessings, however better it is than ours, but from our own poor scratched-over pages. For these we can hold up to life. That is, we are born with a mind and heart to hold each page up to, and to ask: is it valid?” - Eudora.Welty

(p.s. : I made a pretty awesome pillow for my almost father-in-law for Christmas. I now have an itch to make more throw pillows. This may happen.)