Just Breathe

I feel like I'm going to pass out. Like, need to put my head between my legs and breathe for a minute. Not because of anything bad, well, it does accentuate poor decisions currently being made by other people, but the news is good. The news is overwhelming. I think I'm in shock.

Suddenly, suddenly, my already positive progression towards a more stable financial future has been sped up by light years. (I know that's not a scientifically sound analogy, but it's what it feels like.)

For some background, my father had co-signed on a personal loan for me so that I could consolidate credit card debts, back taxes from self-employment overdue, and my car payment, so that I could have one payment per month. It was a grand total of $30,000. I have been paying steadily for the past 4 years, and figured I had about 4 more years until it was done. Or, sooner, if I could turn my degree that I am obtaining in 2019, into a job advancement with a pay raise.

Today's paycheck is the one that made this month's loan payment, and I was informed that it was the last one I had to make. Because, my parent's said, my brother had gotten married this year, and they had helped fund his dream wedding. When I got married, the hubs and I went down to the courthouse the afternoon before I was scheduled to give birth to our second daughter and, without telling anyone, we got married by the judge in the tiny gazebo next to the pond, with our oldest daughter as our best of everything. It's one of the weird things no one else can understand but that my hubs and I thought was highly entertaining; my brother in law didn't even know we'd gotten married until a year later. We just kind of let the news trickle out as it did. Like I said, it was amusing to us and the marriage was really only about and between us anyway. We had talked about maybe, in the future sometime, having a "wedding" that would be more like a big anniversary party. (I never wanted a white wedding, anyway, I've always wanted a red wedding dress.) I never asked or expected my parents to fund a wedding of mine. Apparently, my parents have been plotting for years to give me my "wedding fund", by paying my personal loan in full once I reached the amount they had set aside as fair for my wedding, in regards to what they helped fund for my brother's wedding.

I reached that amount today, and now my biggest debt (outside of school loans) is paid. It's paid. It's paid. I cried. I'm still in shock. I'm so awed and grateful.

I'm also just heartbroken that today put an impediment in the way of my family's future happiness, and until I can get someone to talk to me, and really hear me, and really listen to me, and really believe in me.....there's no guarantee that impediment won't become a wall, which will then become a gulf, which will then become the ocean between continents.

I will never understand choosing anger over love, darkness over light, or hope over despair. Especially when the hardest part of the turning had already occurred, and we were already in the home stretch.

What have you done?

Now, I can increase my endeavors towards accelerating my schooling and my life coach certification and establishing myself outside of my "day job".

'Tis the song, the sigh of the weary
Hard times, hard times come again no more
Many days you have lingered
Around my cabin door
Oh hard times come again no more

Don't Look Back in Anger, or Forward either for that matter

I still have hope.

Perhaps naively, or in a fantastically optimistic way.

but

I still have hope. I have to have it. I have to believe that somehow, somehow, somehow, you will be able to re-see the truth of me. I have to believe it. I have to believe it until you do.

It can't really be impossible, can it?

Everybody Sings the Song

Stay with me
I have climbed mountains for you
I have been half-drowned in ditches
for you, I have
lost my voice, my voice
has broken and then
been reborn.
Stay.
Don't just linger on
in time
in memory
in pixels and particles of light
that hang suspended
like storylines,
stay for the credit
stay for the end
and even beyond that
into the light that follows.
Stay
your hand, your anger
stay the execution
the ending
the finality of
goodbye, a sentence
an order
that jails us into
black and white and denies
us
denies us the option
of each other.
Stay.

Run, Girl

Well, I guess all of my outdoor walk/run workouts have paid off. I made a triumphant return to the elliptical after months of inaction, and did an easy 4.18 miles, burning 581 calories - this is easily double what I was averaging on the elliptical prior to my hiatus. I watched the first episode of the Man in the High Castle during this run, so I guess that'll be my running show for now. Next goal is 5 miles per episode, then. Afterward, I lay in the tanning bed for 5 minutes and got so excited when I realized that for the first time in over 5 years (thank you pregnancies) I could feel the outline of my hip bones and the dip in my stomach when I lay down on my back. I can't focus on it too much, the elephant graveyard is hidden in the rhapsodizing over bones, but I did want to note that it was exciting in a completely non-disordered way.

So, here's another song dedication to me, because I love to work out to this one:

A Song Dedication

Sometimes it's hard to see that the path offered up ahead of you is leading to somewhere wonderful, if you're always looking down. Take it one step at a time, and you could find your way out of the darkness, and back to me.

I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
we never could have come this far
...
What will it take till you believe in me
the way that I believe in you?

The Things We Let Slip Loose

Following my little epiphany about the baton drop of laughter on my part, I was reminded late last night, and again this morning, of something that my husband used to do at the beginning of our relationship that I loved the most. One of the things that had impressed me so much, when we began to ease from friendship into love, was how well he could read my emotions on my face. He could do this so well, that he was most adept at calling me out for my "Mona Lisa smile", as he termed it. I think he felt very proud of times when he caught me smiling on the inside, and he could tell by the most tiny and subtle change to the lines of my mouth. That's when I knew that he really saw me. It was one of my favorite things he did.

Lately, he doesn't seem able to read my facial expressions accurately at all, often misconstruing looks of concern as anger, or looks of soft forgiveness as sharp rebuke. It's very confusing to me. And I can't even remember the last time he said something to me about my "Mona Lisa smile" for him, although I know I still do it at times.

My point here being, besides reminiscence, that I think we all run the risk of letting things slip away from us that helped cement our relationships. Not just between lovers, but friends as well. So maybe, take a moment and think about some little things, some little ways of being, that maybe, maybe, you've let slip away from you in regards to those you love. Try to pick them up again. Rub the dust off of them and I guarantee you will find they are just as comfortable and comforting as they were in the beginning. But maybe, now, they will be a little more precious.

I'm Laughing with You

Depending on the context within which you meet me, you may or may not know that I love to make people laugh. I love to cheer people up. I personally love to laugh, and often find myself laughing over things that have happened eons before but upon recollection strike me with glee all over again. To me, laughter really is the best medicine. One of the worst casualties of my marriage is that of our laughter. My husband and I began as friends and we used to laugh all the time together. All. The. Time. In fact, it was one of the things my husband loved the most about me, was how often I made him laugh. Even when I wasn't even trying to do so! He stopped laughing at me, though, but to be fair, I think I stopped being funny. I think I stopped trying to cheer him up. I never stopped trying to comfort or encourage him, but I stopped using humor as a means of effecting healing moments. I've been thinking about it, and sometimes it feels like a chicken vs egg scenario, but it's kind of hard to laugh when someone has stopped being funny, stopped trying to be cheery, stopped trying to tickle the smile out with words or actions. So, I think this one is a baton I dropped. I got so serious about being things or ways I thought I should be, but really maybe never really was intended to be, that I stopped being some really essential parts of who I am. So, in light of that revelation, here's a song dedication to the laughter in my marriage:

A Song Dedication

A blessing for you:

May the Long Time Sun
Shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light
within you
Guide your way on
Guide your way on

A Song Dedication

Ordinary is overrated. Even out of water, I find my voice, and I sing for you to hear your way home. Listen.

Set My People Free...That Includes You

I'll be honest, the constant feel of battle is tiresome. While I am not looking forward to the culmination point at the end of this month, I am glad that some sort of foundation will at least have to be laid. Although where that foundation will lead us, I have no idea. What will be built upon it, I have no idea. The builders are not exactly in agreeance at this moment in time so I'm just praying we can make it something beautiful in the long run, once you've tired of pulling out all the nails and boarding up all the doors and windows.

It's hard to love someone and watch them hurting. It's hard to love someone while they're hurting you. It's hard to love someone while they hurt themselves by hurting you when you try to help them stop hurting. Ugh. I'm glad I got over the need to fortify myself in anger. It's a wretched place to be. I'd rather get angry (and I do, oh I most definitely do get angry) and acknowledge my anger and address my anger and then let it go. Black balloons, I once likened them to. Black balloons that I release into the sky so that I can watch them rise and feel the weight leave me. Anger is so heavy. You know the swamps of sadness scene in the Neverending Story? That's where I feel I'm at right now, except I'm the one holding onto the rains and yelling THINK OF SOMETHING HAPPY DAMMIT.


Think of something happy. Damn it. It's not that hard. I remember every happy thing. I hoard them like jewels in a treasure chest.


Things I am grateful I have experienced in my life:
The feeling of my babies growing inside me; even though it was anxiety inducing, it was a goddamn overwhelming miracle each time.
All the times I've ever kissed my husband. Best kisses ever.
Every time the wind has slithered softly over my skin on the hottest summer day at the perfect time to cool me down so I could remain outside.

The Glamorous Life

I was gifted a number of really high quality lingerie items by a friend who had never worn them (tags still on and everything), and I finally got around to looking through them last night. They are amazing! The flower slip from Victoria's Secret London is basically a dress waiting to happen. Anyway, I decided to wear this black halter-top backless number for bed last night (it being Mother's Day and I in need of spoiling haha), which I lounged around in whilst reading Remains of the Day, and sipping on my cherry cordial hot cocoa. Felt like a regular 50s movie movie star. Fell asleep and woke up this morning feeling like a glamorous successful woman, all I needed was one of those adorable little eye masks, a feather-edged robe, and some high-heeled bedroom slippers. I'm actually sad I have to remove this to go to work (yes I'm sipping my morning chicory coffee in this lovely piece of fabric), but I am excited to wear my new tunic my mother in law gave me; I'm pairing it with the velvet corduroy leggings she got me for Christmas last year. This is all pretty fancy for a Monday and I could get used to this!


Seriously, this is how glamorous I feel this morning:

There be Monsters

My 5 year old daughter has been having a rough time lately, at times. Both of my girls have had dreams that have woken them since they were toddlers; my 2 year old talks in her sleep when she's dreaming. Tonight (this morning) my 5 year old woke up and called out for me with soft whimpers. When I got to her she said she had a bad dream, and when I asked her what the dream was about, she said there was a monster. (Funnily enough I had been dreaming that I was trying to get my toddler to sleep and my mother was walking around the room inspecting something - tea bags or nails or something - and I was getting frustrated and snapping at her that they were just tea bags - or whatever - and to please stop talking when I was getting my 2 year old to sleep) So, I snuggled down with my arm around my 5 year old, and I kissed my fingers and rubbed them into her forehead and told her "I just pushed a kiss into your dream center. If you see another monster, you tell them who your mommy is and show them the kiss, and they'll run away afraid, for I am powerful in dreams." and she nodded and hugged herself around me for a while. Then she sleepily told me I could go back to sleep (didn't! yay...) and told me she loved me and she was going to have a good night now.


I figure I'll do a song dedication towards myself, at this point, which plays on multiple levels. I'm wide awake mentally, spiritually, and emotionally for the first time in almost a decade, and I'm also wide awake when I don't have to be because I have to defend my children in their dreams. :) Sometimes you have to walk through more than one labyrinth.

A Song Dedication

I am the handhold in the darkness, when you think everything is gone. I've got you.

Traveling to the Clearing

I will never understand directly harmful behavior towards the ones that you love, or are supposed to love, or once loved, or may love. Actually, I don't understand any directly, purposefully harmful behavior towards anyone. I can understand the psychological drives behind it, but the end result really only harms you as well. It's like that old adage about cutting one's own nose off to spite one's own face. But when it comes to the people you love, it seems to me that far too many of us would rather fall into the easy side of anger and hurt the ones we love, than exercise our personal will mindfully, and choose the higher path. Enlightenment waits for both parties on the higher path, that's why it's harder. Anger is easy, it takes no effort. It's destruction, however, leaves work for generations, sometimes. Better to put in the hard work of Love, first, which leaves benefits and blessings for generations to come.


Last Friday, in my sadhana class, we did a clearing exercise that was intended to release and clear blockage between ourselves and our mothers; I was surprised to find that I really thought of my mother-in-law while we were doing the exercise, considering the difficulties I've been having adjusting to my new perspective on my own mother. Instead, I thought about my mother-in-law, and how when I first had my oldest daughter, I tried to keep in constant contact with her, much like my own mother; calling her frequently to talk to her about my day and her day, asking for stories of her life growing up, asking for her perspective on certain aspects of motherhood, and just trying to touch base daily as often as possible. I'd send pictures and tell her of things the baby was up to. I really thought we were getting really close. Then circumstances occurred, and kept occurring, wherein questions were raised (not by me) as to the veracity of the things she imparted to me, mostly as to her opinions of me and how I was doing as a wife and mother. While I did not necessarily believe what the source of these questions or statements of falsehood was telling me, I felt very conflicted and finally decided (really there wasn't much of an option in deciding) that the source would have to be trusted. All of which combined to make me distrust my communication with my mother-in-law, so I pulled back and closed myself off and stopped reaching out. It was hard, and it was disappointing, and my feelings were hurt. During the exercise last Friday, however, I threw all of that blockage off and said "no more!", I'm not having any more family stolen from me by fear and insecurity. Enough! I ended the exercise with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes and a resolve in my heart to love and be with my mother-in-law in my natural state of being, without any influence from anyone else. So, I wrote my mother-in-law an email to let her know how much she meant to me, that I loved her, that I was sorry for any distance that I put between us (which I wasn't sure she noticed, but I knew it was done), and that while I knew I was a little weirder than she was used to and, much like my daughter, felt things very deeply, and I knew that wasn't always comfortable for her, that I hoped that we could reconnect and have our relationship flourish. I told her no response was necessary, but she did write me back to say thank you and basically that she was sure our relationship would be fine. It was very comforting and cleansing to be able to release those fears and insecurities in regards to her, and I'm hoping to make some sort of cross-stitch craft for her mother's day present, although I may have to write a poem or saying myself, as all the ones I've seen so far make me want to retch from how saccharine they are.


My best friend and I made an escape to Charleston yesterday, and it was an amazing day trip and desperately needed, especially since my heart was hurting from knowing that once again my daughters were going somewhere we had always gone together. My oldest complained on Saturday that we never do family trips together anymore and it's not fair and it's not right, and I could only agree with her and tell her that all we could do is our best and believe that whatever happens, we will all be okay because love is more powerful than anything. She is a very astute child, and whilst prone to dramatics, she is very emotionally mature in some ways. She makes me so proud. So, my best friend and I went to see the Angel Tree, but discovered on the drive there that the park was closed for a wedding, so we made a sudden, random stop at the Drayton Hall plantation that we were passing. We ate berries and wandered around the grounds taking pictures of trees and my friend lost our tickets (or a ghost took them, she's not sure) and when I was alone in the gift shop, the cashier (who had majored in anthropology and studied voice) sang a quiet little opera piece to herself and my god - her voice was so pure and clear it was stunning. Powerful, coming from the tiny little thing she was. Someone else entered and she stopped singing, but that few seconds of hearing her voice was amazing. You never know the greatness that's inside people who appear to be working so-called "common" jobs. I love these surprises and bits of brilliance.



We then meandered onwards, making a stop for my friend to get a haircut because really she "just needed someone to wash my hair" because she hadn't had time to shower that morning. So, we stopped at a random salon and she got a shampoo and trim and came out feeling like a new woman. Then we went to the Pour House in Charleston, and while the Market they had behind the bar was closed, they had a deck party going on with a food truck you could order from. The band was amazing, the sun was shining, the pork guava bbq sliders were delicious, and everyone was dancing, even the little bunnies that were on a leash under their owners' art table. It was like stepping from this world into some magical happy place. So, we stayed and sang and danced for around an hour and a half before getting in the car to head back home. We got back around 730pm, and on our way to get some dinner (friend was craving cheese dip so Mexican it was) we commented on how it almost felt like we'd gotten away with something. That's how good the day was. We didn't leave that early, we didn't get back too late, and somehow - somehow - we had this beautiful perfect day trip. It was such a blessing.

A Song Dedication

I wish you would come home to yourself; you'll find me there, waiting.

Ye Gods

I spent some time at the grocery store today finding dietary suggestions for Kapha-Vata Dosha aspects. Per the recent universal smilings upon me, much of what I sought (rice, baked apples, greek yogurt) was on sale.


Jennifer brought over mead and pomegranates for our viewing of American Gods' first episode tonight. Visually stunning and the Bilquis scene was well-done. I do prefer some of the book's scenes, but I'm also very entertained by the bent of the tv show. Looking forward to the next episode.


I had a great walk today at lunch. It was magnificent. It was beautiful outside, and I meandered around listening to Little, Big, and taking pictures of what I saw as pleasing to my eye and mind and spirit. It's been a long time since I did that, and I found a great little punk shrubbery friend. One thing I was thinking about as I walked, was how upset my husband gets when he hears people talk about how much they hate this place. He constantly affirms that this city is what you make of it, that it's all in your perception of it. And he's right about that. What I don't understand is how he can be so understanding and adamant about the affect of perception on this city, but cannot apply this same concept to much of our daily life that seems to frustrate him. Perhaps it's because the city can become what he perceives it to be without any resistance or failure? I'm not sure.


Here's how I saw today:

A Song Dedication

We are all a continuum of others' emotional histories. We do, however, get to write the endings to our own stories, should we so choose to.

Frog Squats are the Devil

They are. But I'm building up 5 at a time, every day or two. 108 here I come! I did a 10 minute arcline clearing this morning and this is the best I've felt before work since I used to live alone and do yoga and meditation for an hour each morning. I'm so grateful my friend gifted this Sadhana class to me. There's so much stuff I've been clearing out and bringing back to life. So much baggage I've needed to let go of and throw in the river of memory to sink, and so many new trappings that I've needed the strength to shrug off. It's wonderful.


I've been doing some additional research into Ayurveda and will catch up with photos of my vision board, my Venus readings, and the rest of the etcetera at a later date. Possibly tomorrow night, as I need to work on consolidating my Sadhana information into its own notebook for easy perusal. No more seminars for a couple of weeks!

We are the Champions, My Friend

Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, because I'm not totally at the finish line yet, but I did just get exciting news. Due to the aggressive rehabilitation approach we've taken to my credit and finances, my credit score has raised by 55 points in just two months, which is around 4 months earlier than we expected it to do so. So, now, I get to cut up my 3rd credit card after I pay it off this month, instead of adding a balance again and then paying it off a third time (which was the original plan of attack), which will just leave me with the department store card and the regular mastercard issued by my bank. Those are on track to possibly be paid off 3 months earlier than expected as well. So exciting! I'm so damn proud of myself and so grateful for the guidance I've received. I've made some errors, but Rosemary says that we always make some errors and the key is to learn from them and work on not making them again. Finding our strengths, setting our limits, recognizing our triggers, etc. In the end, it will balance out.


Oh, and I'm definitely addicted to tongue scraping now.