My little Matchgirl is scheduled to spend the night with her Nana tonight, in order to give me a test-run before my HMLA and I go for our Orlando trip later this month, which she can't come on with us.
Before actuality, when I thought about or pictured myself being a mother, I always thought I would be a thoroughly "modern" mother. I was going to be a Single Mother By Choice, and I was going to work full-time and send my child to a fantastic daycare that would encourage her natural progression of abilities, stimulating her mind and imagination. I would pick her up after leaving my office, probably managing an attorney's office since that's what I was doing at the time. Then we would go home and I would feed her organic homemade baby food and we'd have some quality time together before she went to bed and I had some me-time to write or watch a movie, etc.
The actuality is, that from the moment I held my little-bitty in my arms, I knew I never wanted to hand her care over to someone else. I wanted this great responsibility completely to myself. I never minded getting up over and over and over again throughout the night in the early months, even though I was in the fog of recovering from my emergency c-section, as every cry in the night from her was a celebration of the breath that declared her alive and present. I still feel the same gratitude every time she wakes, although I have had to humble myself and learn to let her Mammaw and Nana and Daddy help with her care, so that I can take care of myself and the house, which in turn cycles back to helping me care for her in the most beneficial way. About the only thing I've accomplished from my prior ideas, is that she does eat organic baby food, although it's not always going to be homemade. I have definite trust anxiety-issues in letting her go, even to people who I know are absolutely competent.
The point being, I consider it a privilege to be my daughter's mother. Although this definition does not completely define me, it is, as previously noted, a driving force in my life. The fact that I will go to sleep tonight, that she will go to sleep tonight, without me being there to cuddle her goodnight - it stings a little. The fact that I will wake up tomorrow morning, and she will wake up tomorrow morning, and my face won't be the first one she sees, and I won't be able to sing "Here Comes the Sun" to her as I open the blinds over the changing table - that also hurts a smidge. I love my HMLA and I am eternally grateful to his mother, her Nana, for giving us this opportunity to have time alone with each other. I will miss my Matchgirl, though. I tell her that she can call me if she needs me to come get her, even if it's at 2am, even though I know at 7 months old, she doesn't understand what I'm saying to her.
We'll see how well I make it through, I think the early a.m. hours are when I'll need the most distraction. Good thing I like to read!
Before actuality, when I thought about or pictured myself being a mother, I always thought I would be a thoroughly "modern" mother. I was going to be a Single Mother By Choice, and I was going to work full-time and send my child to a fantastic daycare that would encourage her natural progression of abilities, stimulating her mind and imagination. I would pick her up after leaving my office, probably managing an attorney's office since that's what I was doing at the time. Then we would go home and I would feed her organic homemade baby food and we'd have some quality time together before she went to bed and I had some me-time to write or watch a movie, etc.
The actuality is, that from the moment I held my little-bitty in my arms, I knew I never wanted to hand her care over to someone else. I wanted this great responsibility completely to myself. I never minded getting up over and over and over again throughout the night in the early months, even though I was in the fog of recovering from my emergency c-section, as every cry in the night from her was a celebration of the breath that declared her alive and present. I still feel the same gratitude every time she wakes, although I have had to humble myself and learn to let her Mammaw and Nana and Daddy help with her care, so that I can take care of myself and the house, which in turn cycles back to helping me care for her in the most beneficial way. About the only thing I've accomplished from my prior ideas, is that she does eat organic baby food, although it's not always going to be homemade. I have definite trust anxiety-issues in letting her go, even to people who I know are absolutely competent.
The point being, I consider it a privilege to be my daughter's mother. Although this definition does not completely define me, it is, as previously noted, a driving force in my life. The fact that I will go to sleep tonight, that she will go to sleep tonight, without me being there to cuddle her goodnight - it stings a little. The fact that I will wake up tomorrow morning, and she will wake up tomorrow morning, and my face won't be the first one she sees, and I won't be able to sing "Here Comes the Sun" to her as I open the blinds over the changing table - that also hurts a smidge. I love my HMLA and I am eternally grateful to his mother, her Nana, for giving us this opportunity to have time alone with each other. I will miss my Matchgirl, though. I tell her that she can call me if she needs me to come get her, even if it's at 2am, even though I know at 7 months old, she doesn't understand what I'm saying to her.
We'll see how well I make it through, I think the early a.m. hours are when I'll need the most distraction. Good thing I like to read!
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