I am not like my family.
I mean, I am like my mother and father in many individualized character trait ways. I am obviously reflective of them genetically. I am not like the rest of my family, though, not in the way I question things. The way I seek answers. The way I try to see with a million eyes so that my knowledge is not limited to that which I can directly see. I spent a lot of my time growing up nestled away into my room, where I would read and write and research for hours and hours. In between, I would sometimes lay on the floor or my bed and just think, just let my mind turn things over, sifting through new and old information, idly waiting to see if the musing turned over some important epiphany. I still do this - I go still. I go still and quiet and wait to see what comes to me. As Kafka once said "You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."
Anyway, I am a wonder-filled person. Everything makes me wonder. I want to know the whys of you, and the hows of your thoughts, and the whats that are the objects of your thinking. I want to try and understand as much of you as possible, even if once the understanding is reached I care for you less. I want to know the truth of you. I want to see how far I can be stretched and pushed in my empathy. I want to learn when it's dangerous to understand too much, and when it's even more dangerous to understand too little. I want you to know you matter, even if it's in ways that are all wrong. We can all be lessons.
My family does not search like this into people. I watch the walls rise, when we speak of certain things. I watch the absolute certainty that enters their eyes like anger when I present a counterpoint they don't want to consider. I do not understand lack of consideration. I suppose this is because I enjoy consideration. I just want to be the best person I can be, not just of myself, or to myself, but to others as well, encompassing not only my family and loved ones, but to as many of the rest of the citizens of the world as possible.
This desire really sets me up for disappointment, a lot.
I'm turning 40 in June. I was really excited about it. This year has brought a lot of changes, and while I'm still really excited about it, it seems most everyone else has forgotten its importance to me. My mother and I had been talking about taking a girls-only roadtrip with she, my niece, my two daughters, and myself. Recently, however, my brother offered to buy them tickets to a show in Atlanta, and one of the shows offered falls on my birthday. My parents decided to go to that one with my brother. My brother whom I have rarely spoken to in the past five years due to some less-than-loving behavior on his part. I didn't bother mentioning anything about the roadtrip to my mother when she so casually stated she and my father were "of course" going to be gone that day. It does hurt me though. Mainly, I just want to shell myself over and retreat when these actions occur. It's so much easier to feel invisible when you're alone. But I am determined to be happy in the face of it all. In the end, that's what really matters, because that's what it takes to be happy. I choose to be so.
“Oh God, are there so many of them in our land! Students who can’t be happy until they’ve graduated, servicemen who can’t be happy until they are discharged, single folks who can’t be happy until they’ve found a mate, workers who can’t be happy until they’ve retired, adolescents who aren’t happy until they’re grown, ill people who aren’t happy until they’re well, failures who aren’t happy until they succeed, restless who can’t wait until they get out of town, and in most cases, vice versa, people waiting, waiting for the world to begin.” - Tom Robbins.
I'm not waiting for the world to begin. I am the world beginning anew every day. Wake up, beautiful ones, and dance with me.
I mean, I am like my mother and father in many individualized character trait ways. I am obviously reflective of them genetically. I am not like the rest of my family, though, not in the way I question things. The way I seek answers. The way I try to see with a million eyes so that my knowledge is not limited to that which I can directly see. I spent a lot of my time growing up nestled away into my room, where I would read and write and research for hours and hours. In between, I would sometimes lay on the floor or my bed and just think, just let my mind turn things over, sifting through new and old information, idly waiting to see if the musing turned over some important epiphany. I still do this - I go still. I go still and quiet and wait to see what comes to me. As Kafka once said "You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."
Anyway, I am a wonder-filled person. Everything makes me wonder. I want to know the whys of you, and the hows of your thoughts, and the whats that are the objects of your thinking. I want to try and understand as much of you as possible, even if once the understanding is reached I care for you less. I want to know the truth of you. I want to see how far I can be stretched and pushed in my empathy. I want to learn when it's dangerous to understand too much, and when it's even more dangerous to understand too little. I want you to know you matter, even if it's in ways that are all wrong. We can all be lessons.
My family does not search like this into people. I watch the walls rise, when we speak of certain things. I watch the absolute certainty that enters their eyes like anger when I present a counterpoint they don't want to consider. I do not understand lack of consideration. I suppose this is because I enjoy consideration. I just want to be the best person I can be, not just of myself, or to myself, but to others as well, encompassing not only my family and loved ones, but to as many of the rest of the citizens of the world as possible.
This desire really sets me up for disappointment, a lot.
I'm turning 40 in June. I was really excited about it. This year has brought a lot of changes, and while I'm still really excited about it, it seems most everyone else has forgotten its importance to me. My mother and I had been talking about taking a girls-only roadtrip with she, my niece, my two daughters, and myself. Recently, however, my brother offered to buy them tickets to a show in Atlanta, and one of the shows offered falls on my birthday. My parents decided to go to that one with my brother. My brother whom I have rarely spoken to in the past five years due to some less-than-loving behavior on his part. I didn't bother mentioning anything about the roadtrip to my mother when she so casually stated she and my father were "of course" going to be gone that day. It does hurt me though. Mainly, I just want to shell myself over and retreat when these actions occur. It's so much easier to feel invisible when you're alone. But I am determined to be happy in the face of it all. In the end, that's what really matters, because that's what it takes to be happy. I choose to be so.
“Oh God, are there so many of them in our land! Students who can’t be happy until they’ve graduated, servicemen who can’t be happy until they are discharged, single folks who can’t be happy until they’ve found a mate, workers who can’t be happy until they’ve retired, adolescents who aren’t happy until they’re grown, ill people who aren’t happy until they’re well, failures who aren’t happy until they succeed, restless who can’t wait until they get out of town, and in most cases, vice versa, people waiting, waiting for the world to begin.” - Tom Robbins.
I'm not waiting for the world to begin. I am the world beginning anew every day. Wake up, beautiful ones, and dance with me.
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