I will never understand directly harmful behavior towards the ones that you love, or are supposed to love, or once loved, or may love. Actually, I don't understand any directly, purposefully harmful behavior towards anyone. I can understand the psychological drives behind it, but the end result really only harms you as well. It's like that old adage about cutting one's own nose off to spite one's own face. But when it comes to the people you love, it seems to me that far too many of us would rather fall into the easy side of anger and hurt the ones we love, than exercise our personal will mindfully, and choose the higher path. Enlightenment waits for both parties on the higher path, that's why it's harder. Anger is easy, it takes no effort. It's destruction, however, leaves work for generations, sometimes. Better to put in the hard work of Love, first, which leaves benefits and blessings for generations to come.
Last Friday, in my sadhana class, we did a clearing exercise that was intended to release and clear blockage between ourselves and our mothers; I was surprised to find that I really thought of my mother-in-law while we were doing the exercise, considering the difficulties I've been having adjusting to my new perspective on my own mother. Instead, I thought about my mother-in-law, and how when I first had my oldest daughter, I tried to keep in constant contact with her, much like my own mother; calling her frequently to talk to her about my day and her day, asking for stories of her life growing up, asking for her perspective on certain aspects of motherhood, and just trying to touch base daily as often as possible. I'd send pictures and tell her of things the baby was up to. I really thought we were getting really close. Then circumstances occurred, and kept occurring, wherein questions were raised (not by me) as to the veracity of the things she imparted to me, mostly as to her opinions of me and how I was doing as a wife and mother. While I did not necessarily believe what the source of these questions or statements of falsehood was telling me, I felt very conflicted and finally decided (really there wasn't much of an option in deciding) that the source would have to be trusted. All of which combined to make me distrust my communication with my mother-in-law, so I pulled back and closed myself off and stopped reaching out. It was hard, and it was disappointing, and my feelings were hurt. During the exercise last Friday, however, I threw all of that blockage off and said "no more!", I'm not having any more family stolen from me by fear and insecurity. Enough! I ended the exercise with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes and a resolve in my heart to love and be with my mother-in-law in my natural state of being, without any influence from anyone else. So, I wrote my mother-in-law an email to let her know how much she meant to me, that I loved her, that I was sorry for any distance that I put between us (which I wasn't sure she noticed, but I knew it was done), and that while I knew I was a little weirder than she was used to and, much like my daughter, felt things
very deeply, and I knew that wasn't always comfortable for her, that I hoped that we could reconnect and have our relationship flourish. I told her no response was necessary, but she did write me back to say thank you and basically that she was sure our relationship would be fine. It was very comforting and cleansing to be able to release those fears and insecurities in regards to her, and I'm hoping to make some sort of cross-stitch craft for her mother's day present, although I may have to write a poem or saying myself, as all the ones I've seen so far make me want to retch from how saccharine they are.
My best friend and I made an escape to Charleston yesterday, and it was an amazing day trip and desperately needed, especially since my heart was hurting from knowing that once again my daughters were going somewhere we had always gone together. My oldest complained on Saturday that we never do family trips together anymore and it's not fair and it's not right, and I could only agree with her and tell her that all we could do is our best and believe that whatever happens, we will all be okay because love is more powerful than anything. She is a very astute child, and whilst prone to dramatics, she is very emotionally mature in some ways. She makes me so proud. So, my best friend and I went to see the Angel Tree, but discovered on the drive there that the park was closed for a wedding, so we made a sudden, random stop at the Drayton Hall plantation that we were passing. We ate berries and wandered around the grounds taking pictures of trees and my friend lost our tickets (or a ghost took them, she's not sure) and when I was alone in the gift shop, the cashier (who had majored in anthropology and studied voice) sang a quiet little opera piece to herself and my god - her voice was so pure and clear it was stunning. Powerful, coming from the tiny little thing she was. Someone else entered and she stopped singing, but that few seconds of hearing her voice was amazing. You never know the greatness that's inside people who appear to be working so-called "common" jobs. I love these surprises and bits of brilliance.
We then meandered onwards, making a stop for my friend to get a haircut because really she "just needed someone to wash my hair" because she hadn't had time to shower that morning. So, we stopped at a random salon and she got a shampoo and trim and came out feeling like a new woman. Then we went to the
Pour House in Charleston, and while the Market they had behind the bar was closed, they had a deck party going on with a food truck you could order from. The band was amazing, the sun was shining, the pork guava bbq sliders were delicious, and everyone was dancing, even the little bunnies that were on a leash under their owners' art table. It was like stepping from this world into some magical happy place. So, we stayed and sang and danced for around an hour and a half before getting in the car to head back home. We got back around 730pm, and on our way to get some dinner (friend was craving cheese dip so Mexican it was) we commented on how it almost felt like we'd gotten away with something. That's how good the day was. We didn't leave that early, we didn't get back too late, and somehow - somehow - we had this beautiful perfect day trip. It was such a blessing.
