Don't Look Back in Anger, or Forward either for that matter

I still have hope.

Perhaps naively, or in a fantastically optimistic way.

but

I still have hope. I have to have it. I have to believe that somehow, somehow, somehow, you will be able to re-see the truth of me. I have to believe it. I have to believe it until you do.

It can't really be impossible, can it?

Everybody Sings the Song

Stay with me
I have climbed mountains for you
I have been half-drowned in ditches
for you, I have
lost my voice, my voice
has broken and then
been reborn.
Stay.
Don't just linger on
in time
in memory
in pixels and particles of light
that hang suspended
like storylines,
stay for the credit
stay for the end
and even beyond that
into the light that follows.
Stay
your hand, your anger
stay the execution
the ending
the finality of
goodbye, a sentence
an order
that jails us into
black and white and denies
us
denies us the option
of each other.
Stay.

Run, Girl

Well, I guess all of my outdoor walk/run workouts have paid off. I made a triumphant return to the elliptical after months of inaction, and did an easy 4.18 miles, burning 581 calories - this is easily double what I was averaging on the elliptical prior to my hiatus. I watched the first episode of the Man in the High Castle during this run, so I guess that'll be my running show for now. Next goal is 5 miles per episode, then. Afterward, I lay in the tanning bed for 5 minutes and got so excited when I realized that for the first time in over 5 years (thank you pregnancies) I could feel the outline of my hip bones and the dip in my stomach when I lay down on my back. I can't focus on it too much, the elephant graveyard is hidden in the rhapsodizing over bones, but I did want to note that it was exciting in a completely non-disordered way.

So, here's another song dedication to me, because I love to work out to this one:

A Song Dedication

Sometimes it's hard to see that the path offered up ahead of you is leading to somewhere wonderful, if you're always looking down. Take it one step at a time, and you could find your way out of the darkness, and back to me.

I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
we never could have come this far
...
What will it take till you believe in me
the way that I believe in you?

The Things We Let Slip Loose

Following my little epiphany about the baton drop of laughter on my part, I was reminded late last night, and again this morning, of something that my husband used to do at the beginning of our relationship that I loved the most. One of the things that had impressed me so much, when we began to ease from friendship into love, was how well he could read my emotions on my face. He could do this so well, that he was most adept at calling me out for my "Mona Lisa smile", as he termed it. I think he felt very proud of times when he caught me smiling on the inside, and he could tell by the most tiny and subtle change to the lines of my mouth. That's when I knew that he really saw me. It was one of my favorite things he did.

Lately, he doesn't seem able to read my facial expressions accurately at all, often misconstruing looks of concern as anger, or looks of soft forgiveness as sharp rebuke. It's very confusing to me. And I can't even remember the last time he said something to me about my "Mona Lisa smile" for him, although I know I still do it at times.

My point here being, besides reminiscence, that I think we all run the risk of letting things slip away from us that helped cement our relationships. Not just between lovers, but friends as well. So maybe, take a moment and think about some little things, some little ways of being, that maybe, maybe, you've let slip away from you in regards to those you love. Try to pick them up again. Rub the dust off of them and I guarantee you will find they are just as comfortable and comforting as they were in the beginning. But maybe, now, they will be a little more precious.

I'm Laughing with You

Depending on the context within which you meet me, you may or may not know that I love to make people laugh. I love to cheer people up. I personally love to laugh, and often find myself laughing over things that have happened eons before but upon recollection strike me with glee all over again. To me, laughter really is the best medicine. One of the worst casualties of my marriage is that of our laughter. My husband and I began as friends and we used to laugh all the time together. All. The. Time. In fact, it was one of the things my husband loved the most about me, was how often I made him laugh. Even when I wasn't even trying to do so! He stopped laughing at me, though, but to be fair, I think I stopped being funny. I think I stopped trying to cheer him up. I never stopped trying to comfort or encourage him, but I stopped using humor as a means of effecting healing moments. I've been thinking about it, and sometimes it feels like a chicken vs egg scenario, but it's kind of hard to laugh when someone has stopped being funny, stopped trying to be cheery, stopped trying to tickle the smile out with words or actions. So, I think this one is a baton I dropped. I got so serious about being things or ways I thought I should be, but really maybe never really was intended to be, that I stopped being some really essential parts of who I am. So, in light of that revelation, here's a song dedication to the laughter in my marriage:

A Song Dedication

A blessing for you:

May the Long Time Sun
Shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light
within you
Guide your way on
Guide your way on

A Song Dedication

Ordinary is overrated. Even out of water, I find my voice, and I sing for you to hear your way home. Listen.

Set My People Free...That Includes You

I'll be honest, the constant feel of battle is tiresome. While I am not looking forward to the culmination point at the end of this month, I am glad that some sort of foundation will at least have to be laid. Although where that foundation will lead us, I have no idea. What will be built upon it, I have no idea. The builders are not exactly in agreeance at this moment in time so I'm just praying we can make it something beautiful in the long run, once you've tired of pulling out all the nails and boarding up all the doors and windows.

It's hard to love someone and watch them hurting. It's hard to love someone while they're hurting you. It's hard to love someone while they hurt themselves by hurting you when you try to help them stop hurting. Ugh. I'm glad I got over the need to fortify myself in anger. It's a wretched place to be. I'd rather get angry (and I do, oh I most definitely do get angry) and acknowledge my anger and address my anger and then let it go. Black balloons, I once likened them to. Black balloons that I release into the sky so that I can watch them rise and feel the weight leave me. Anger is so heavy. You know the swamps of sadness scene in the Neverending Story? That's where I feel I'm at right now, except I'm the one holding onto the rains and yelling THINK OF SOMETHING HAPPY DAMMIT.


Think of something happy. Damn it. It's not that hard. I remember every happy thing. I hoard them like jewels in a treasure chest.


Things I am grateful I have experienced in my life:
The feeling of my babies growing inside me; even though it was anxiety inducing, it was a goddamn overwhelming miracle each time.
All the times I've ever kissed my husband. Best kisses ever.
Every time the wind has slithered softly over my skin on the hottest summer day at the perfect time to cool me down so I could remain outside.